Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil - zero out of one

Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil - 0/1

I knew what I was getting into.

 

I find that I have the uncanny ability to draw an analogy comparing any game to a fictional girl I make up in my brain for that very purpose. What this says about me, I cannot say, though I figure it is something either very sad or something extremely sad. Regardless of my little mental irregularities, I think the Touhou games are an area where this skill comes quite in handy.

The series of games is actually pretty hard to explain to begin with. You play as shrine maidens drawn in a lolita style (both in their apparel and, ahem, chest sizes), who ride brooms or fly and shoot enemies with magic while dodging their magic “bullets” which often spread in large elaborate patterns called “spell cards”, each stage is punctuated with little dialogue scenes to let you know you are indeed still playing as a little girls that shoot magic. Additionally each game has its’ own little gimmick for getting high scores, as is par for the course in most bullet hell games.

Anyways, back to my first sentence up there, Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil is like that girl you see all the time, on the street or in the library, who you find very attractive but have never really talked to, and maybe you’ve talked to your friends about her and they’ve never heard of her but admit she does sound intriguing. Then one day you strike up a conversation about how her watch looks nice or something similarly irrelevant, and you get to know her and find she likes monster trucks and sleeps in dinosaur pajamas. Also she has a French accent which makes some things nigh indecipherable.

Haha. What?

Touhou 6 may not be easy to get along with, but all that work pays off when you get to see her fishnet panties (this is a kid-friendly site, so there will be no mention of her hairy vagina). And now I feel weird for associating little magic girls with fishnet panties. Congratulations, now you feel weird too. But chances are, you’re pursuing this girl for the wrong reason. You’re either doing it because you like seeing panties, in which case, there are plenty of better ways to do that, or you ended up liking her personality. Well unless you are exceptionally gifted with navigating her um, conversations, (nice one Sergio), you’ll probably be hearing the same thing over and over again. Perhaps this is a problem with all girls who are… uh… well that are bullet hells.

Oh! Girls that talk a lot. See? It’s a gift. The point is, you’re likely only playing Touhou the game because you think lolis are neat. Well that’s a poor incentive to subject yourself to gameplay that is interesting, but will leave you feeling hollow when you spend three hours straight memorizing the easy mode patterns then reach the end and find you need to beat the game on normal without continuing to get anything that approaches an ending, which translates to ol’ Monster Truck weirdo having a snaggletooth. Sure the music is pretty catchy sometimes, but uh... I MEAN, her voice may be soothing, but what does it matter if she doesn't say anything worthwhile?

This is actually a piece of clip art I accidentally uploaded, but I'm leaving it in cause it sort of looks like a bullet pattern.

If you’re playing the game for the shmup aspect, which is indeed somewhat entertaining, then you should really just go play Einhander, Ikaruga, Gradius, Radiant SIlvergun, or any other of the wealth of shmups throughout the ages.

…I mean uh, go talk to those other girls that love to make out and give you a massage after a hard day’s work.

Ratchet & Clank FUTURE: Tools of Destruction - Gilbert Lucero

Ratchet & Clank FUTURE:
Tools of Destruction
A review by: Gilbert Lucero

Genre: Shooty Platformer

Stance on Robot Equality: All for it

Favorite Real Life Lombax: Steve the Lombax

A new year brings new game consoles, and this year brought me a PlayStation 3 (PS3 – pronounced: psss 3). I firmly believe that it was not released prior to my owning it, and in fact I am hesitant to think that video games even ever existed before I got a hold of them. So this was quite a treat, to be able to play a brand new console that no one had ever played before. I can't tell you much about it right now, but I can tell you that the street dealer I bought it from threw in the required springs and crank for only an extra $1100!

This might just be a PS3!

The first game I tried on the amazingly futuristic technology that is the psss3, was Rortchet and Clink, it might have been called. I saw it on the shelves at a local rental factory, and right then my mind was sent back to older times, when I had played the psss2 Wrenchit and Clonk games. I, too, had shelves back then, you see. Seeing it sitting there on the shelf brought back foggy memories of joy and guns and more guns, and with my fantastically cutting-edge psss3, I could regain these moments of happiness.


I remember little about the older games, which was somewhat problematic. After pulling the psss3 lever and winding up the gearbox, I started the game and was immediately thrust into the Stitcher and Spronk universe and given absolutely no indication that I had. Sure, the characters are there, but you wonder why things are happening, or what anything is, and the game never really clarifies.

What even is any of this?

My psss3 clanged and buckled through cutscene after cutscene, and after each one I thought 'why is this happening' and the game metaphorically flipped me off and said 'just do it bitch'. This wasn't a welcome sentiment since it first does it literally, and with more condescending adjectives (it's a secret cutscene, you'll probably never find it). But I figured why not, so I did all the stuff, and I got all these guns to do it, so there was really no reason not to.

Speaking of guns: GUUUNS. Guns are the only important thing, and this also true in the game. There is a story, kind of, with a little bit of conflict, maybe, the platforming is fun, though not the best, and it's funny, I would say if pressed, but all of that exists for the sole reason of rationalizing GUNS. This was true of the psss2 games (probably?), and the trend continues to the astonishingly new-fangled psss3.

Guns in the game and parts of my psss3.

However, the guns were a bit lackluster this time around. The entire game franchise is known for its guns, and I feel this game didn't quite deliver. There were a few interesting ones, such as the one that shoots tornadoes, and the gun that is actually not a gun because its more of a robot companion who loves murder, but the other guns are less inspired, though varied enough to keep things interesting. There are also about three different ways to level up each gun, which struck me as a bit superfluous.

In fact, the whole leveling process seemed unnecessary. You level up at the exact same rate as your enemies, the increased amount of bolts and RARITANIUM (the moneys of the game) you get as the game goes on directly corresponds with the cost of new guns, and what this adds up to is exactly the same amount of difficulty at any point of the game, that difficulty being 'aggressively easy'. Maybe that's the point; if your guns get stronger faster than the enemies do, the game becomes too easy, and if they level up slower, then there's no satisfaction gained from higher levels. But it felt as if the folks at Insomniac only implemented the level system for the sake of BIG NUMBERS, because BIG NUMBERS mean MORE FUN, in what experts call The Reverse Mathematics Theorem.

The most fun.

But fuck that stuff. The ridiculous Dorsket and Crank universe is worth ignoring what really amounts to minor gripes. I had quick, easy fun* that kept me occupied for a good few days (all the way up until my psss3 snapped in two and became a toaster), but since it was only a few days, it's worth a rent, or at least a buy that costs as much as renting it.

A PS3?!

Glosket and Chank gets 1 “I really thought Lombaxes were real”s out of 1.

*That's what she said.

First Ever Good or Blog Amazing Fantastic Audio Program!

From inception, I wanted to have an accompanying audio program for this site, something like a podcast. Well! Me and the other contributors finally buckled down and recorded the first ever Good or Blog Amazing Fantastic Audio Program!

I KNOW you are so excited.

Anyways, I had originally planned for it to be under half an hour, but we talk a lot, there's a lot of good material there, and it ended up being about an hour and a half. I realize people have busy schedules and that's pretty long even for just a purely audio show. So, I went ahead and split the show into segments that can be downloaded individually.

Of course if you'd rather have a single, long, audio track leave a comment and we'll be sure to adjust accordingly for the next one! Enjoy!

Also, I feel I should mention the fact that there is some possibly objectionable language here and there, just like the blog itself. However, we are adults (sorta) and I feel it's not gratuitous.

Intro and Segment 1 - Favorite Games of '09 (23min 9sec):
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=C9LHSAYV

Segment 2 - Longest Games EVAR (17min 18sec):
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RCOGY0TV

Segment 3 - Extraneous Multiplayer and Documented Evidence That We Can't Stay on Topic to Save Our Lives (16 min 4sec):
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RGEVCNU1

Segment 4 - Wii Bros Super Mario New and Why Donkey Kong 64 Sucks (16min 17sec):
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=OH154120

Segment 5 - Secret Topic About Achievements and Outro (13min 22sec):
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=XKRMBX9O

Once again, if you'd like to see a new means of acquiring the files or would like them as a single file, leave a comment and we'll be sure to address it in the next podcast.

Additionally, for now the comments section is sort of like our mailbag, and if enough people write enough interesting posts we'll mention you in the next cast and respond on air.

Thank you for listening we hope you stick around!

inFamous - one out of one - Good or Blog First Edition Special Feature!

inFamous – 1/1 - Good or Blog First Edition Special Feature!

Sucker Punch’s electric Spiderman sandbox game, inFamous, is one of polarity (pun totally intended). Remaining firmly in the cartoon realm, the creators of Sly Cooper have departed quite nicely from their cell shaded thief and into the equally outlandish world of comic book superheroes. The story, structure, progression, and gameplay are all classic Sly, with an interesting twist of next-gen grit.

It means more than famous

However, unlike its cartoony predecessor, inFamous includes one of this generation’s banes of my existence: the extraneous morality system. Initially it doesn’t make much sense, you’re the hero of the story, why would you pick up a game where you play as a hero and willfully choose the “Evil” (it’s called that in the game) path? Much has already been said about the whole industry-wide debacle, but I’m happy to say inFamous actually utilizes the concept rather well occasionally, which inspired me to do a Good or Blog First Edition Special Feature! Inspired by sparky protagonist Cole MacGrath’s bipolar journey, this reviewer will provide you with the good AND the bad here. I bet you are practically catatonic with excitement.

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks – one out of one

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks – 1/1

Zelda games have always occupied a strange spot in my gaming tapestry. I’m not the gigantic super fan with a triforce tattoo and an intimate knowledge of the split timeline, but I’ve played most of the series and enjoyed nearly every single one (though Twilight Princess was a spot of ‘ehhh’). Needless to say, I played Phantom Hourglass, was moderately impressed, and halfheartedly looked forward to the latest entry in the series: The Title Written at the Top of this Post.

First of all, the most important thing to understand here, I think, is this: I was dedicated, absolutely dedicated, to giving this game a zero when I was about halfway through it. It starts strong enough to be sure. There’s a promising story injected with a nifty little train travel mechanic and Princess Zelda is a ghost! And she travels with you! Isn’t she just so kawaii (editor’s note: kawaii means ‘cute’)? 

D'awww

Silent Hill 2 - one out of one - Henry Arrambide

Silent Hill 2 – 1/1 – Henry Arrambide

The fact that a SH3 review preceded this is merely coincidence.

              When you set out to make something ‘mature’, you must be careful. Trying to prove that games are ‘mature’ may lead to something like Manhunt, where ‘maturity’ is just a coverall term for violence, cartoonish gore, or sexual deviancy. I find that striving to make something ‘mature’ in those oh so useful selling points comes off as insulting; it’s as if the creator is saying that the gaming populace is immature, unable to appreciate games properly, and so tits and violence must be added (not that cartoonish excess is a bad thing when handled correctly). You get so caught up in trying to make something ‘mature’ that you forget the other goals entirely.

              Silent Hill 2 understands this. The game is tasteful with its violence; blood and gore don’t spew forth with every gunshot and whack, but are effectively used when needed. It tells a simple yet twisted story, and expects you to pick up the pieces and determine the truth. There is no barrage of cutscenes and extended hours of dialogue. What exists are quick snippets, short lines dropped by characters as lost in the world as you are. No one knows what the hell is going on, not even the game in some cases. Why should there be an NPC telling you up to date plot points? (Answer: because the developers don’t think the gamer is paying attention; or the game is mechanically weak and hard to understand) You remember things, you take notes, and you draw conclusions. Some things you forget accidentally. Sometimes you want to forget the terrifying crap you just went through – the atmosphere works at creating this ever-looming fear that either motivates you or scares you into never wanting to play. You make implications based on your surroundings to figure out what happened where. In short, the game asks you to participate, not just listen, to the story; the game is aware that you are playing it, and so it wants to utilize that dimension. There is only as much meaning behind your actions as you interpret there to be, sure – but the game was made with the idea in mind that your actions in some way affect things on a deeper level. The game asks for you to be mature – not to play, because anyone can play, but to solve the deeper problems in James Sunderland’s life and get a full experience from the game. Interactive entertainment – you aren’t just moving the avatar from plot point A to plot point B and being info-dumped. That kind of audience respect is why Silent Hill 2 is mature.