Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil - zero out of one

Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil - 0/1

I knew what I was getting into.

 

I find that I have the uncanny ability to draw an analogy comparing any game to a fictional girl I make up in my brain for that very purpose. What this says about me, I cannot say, though I figure it is something either very sad or something extremely sad. Regardless of my little mental irregularities, I think the Touhou games are an area where this skill comes quite in handy.

The series of games is actually pretty hard to explain to begin with. You play as shrine maidens drawn in a lolita style (both in their apparel and, ahem, chest sizes), who ride brooms or fly and shoot enemies with magic while dodging their magic “bullets” which often spread in large elaborate patterns called “spell cards”, each stage is punctuated with little dialogue scenes to let you know you are indeed still playing as a little girls that shoot magic. Additionally each game has its’ own little gimmick for getting high scores, as is par for the course in most bullet hell games.

Anyways, back to my first sentence up there, Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil is like that girl you see all the time, on the street or in the library, who you find very attractive but have never really talked to, and maybe you’ve talked to your friends about her and they’ve never heard of her but admit she does sound intriguing. Then one day you strike up a conversation about how her watch looks nice or something similarly irrelevant, and you get to know her and find she likes monster trucks and sleeps in dinosaur pajamas. Also she has a French accent which makes some things nigh indecipherable.

Haha. What?

Touhou 6 may not be easy to get along with, but all that work pays off when you get to see her fishnet panties (this is a kid-friendly site, so there will be no mention of her hairy vagina). And now I feel weird for associating little magic girls with fishnet panties. Congratulations, now you feel weird too. But chances are, you’re pursuing this girl for the wrong reason. You’re either doing it because you like seeing panties, in which case, there are plenty of better ways to do that, or you ended up liking her personality. Well unless you are exceptionally gifted with navigating her um, conversations, (nice one Sergio), you’ll probably be hearing the same thing over and over again. Perhaps this is a problem with all girls who are… uh… well that are bullet hells.

Oh! Girls that talk a lot. See? It’s a gift. The point is, you’re likely only playing Touhou the game because you think lolis are neat. Well that’s a poor incentive to subject yourself to gameplay that is interesting, but will leave you feeling hollow when you spend three hours straight memorizing the easy mode patterns then reach the end and find you need to beat the game on normal without continuing to get anything that approaches an ending, which translates to ol’ Monster Truck weirdo having a snaggletooth. Sure the music is pretty catchy sometimes, but uh... I MEAN, her voice may be soothing, but what does it matter if she doesn't say anything worthwhile?

This is actually a piece of clip art I accidentally uploaded, but I'm leaving it in cause it sort of looks like a bullet pattern.

If you’re playing the game for the shmup aspect, which is indeed somewhat entertaining, then you should really just go play Einhander, Ikaruga, Gradius, Radiant SIlvergun, or any other of the wealth of shmups throughout the ages.

…I mean uh, go talk to those other girls that love to make out and give you a massage after a hard day’s work.