Trauma Center: Under the Knife 2 Review – zero out of one

Trauma Center: Under the Knife 2 – 0/1

Is it still the sincerest form of flattery if you're imitating yourself?

Surgeon is one of the many occupations that I could never hope to hold. My hands are too shaky as a result of years and years of high school engineering classes where I was forced to draw perfect circles and abstract shapes under threat of a B. But instead of crying in a corner over lost possibilities and the ever-growing list of Things I Can Never Accomplish (such as meet Santa, become a Batman villain, and consummate a relationship with a sex-changed clone of myself), I found solace long ago in the niche (read: Atlus) DS game Trauma Center: Under the Knife.

Bringing together my unique skills of dexterity and iterative repetition, the original game lit a fire in my soul and allowed me to have more fun performing “surgery” than any real surgeon could ever have. Fuck mitral valve replacements! I was shooting lasers at heart-spiders and disarming bombs! Under the Knife has about as much to do with actual surgery as CSI: Miami has with actual police investigations, there are common elements like police and magnifying glasses, but most police don’t drive Humvees and speak in one-liners.

Mentioned in the same article.

The original game really had a knack for taking very serious topics like death and disease and ballooning them up into cartoonish exercises of coordination and mental acuity. It was like candy for the mind. With so many different procedures to grapple with and neat little tricks and maneuvers (like raising heart rate using only biotic gel) the game would have been fun as just a Tetris-style endless action puzzler, with a constant barrage of cuts and tumors that had to be meticulously disinfected, and stitched, then drained, cut out and patched over, then OH NO A SUPER VIRUS HAS EMERGED LASER THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

Laaaaaaazer

But, the game had an interesting little backdrop and a pretty compelling story to boot. The finale in particular blends the gameplay and story so well it’s hard to imagine them ever being separated.

Following this unique little masterpiece Atlus forged into Wii territory with a sort of sequel and a sequel that I guess wasn’t really a sequel given this DS game I’m reviewing coming after it and having an actual incremented numeral in the title. But whatever! Using a Wiimote seems so wrong! There’s no contact, no catharsis to your actions. It’s like trying to drive a car using robot hands that are controlled with a steering wheel you operate from the backseat. It’s a level of removal from the level that’s already far removed from actual surgery.

ANYWAYS. Trauma Center: Under the Knife 2 comes along to the series’ home console with a brand spanking new integer at the end of it. You would think I would be loving this shit. And to tell the truth I did… back when it was called Trauma Center: Under the Knife.

It baffles me that this title would come after not only games like Pokemon Diamond that was able to utilize so many DS online features, but also after its Wii counterpart which had numerous improvements to the formula, an almost entirely new story, AND an online component. Under the Knife 2 shares only the adjustable difficulty and a few new surgical tools that were in Second Opinion. The story is essentially a rehash of the first game’s with the same viruses and characters making the rounds, and no real steps have been taken to innovate the surgeries apart from some extremely gimmicky operations like performing in the dark and while being photographed.

It’s just a shame to see a new entry in this series become a bargain bin DS game that is by nearly all accounts inferior to its progenitor. In such a bizarre and imaginative niche surely there could have been some innovations made to the formula: new viruses, a new story maybe? How about this: a rogue doctor from your clinic’s past formulates a virus specifically to confound surgeons so that he can emerge from the past and regain his lost glory. However, the virus evolves and it’s up to YOU, yes YOU to save the day. You get to introduce all these new characters and even do that weird Japanese thing where we learn a moral about doing your best or being honest or whatever.

And I learned a serious lesson about honesty, and that a penny saved is a penny earned.

The point is, it isn’t hard to put a new spin on an area that really hasn’t been explored all that well. This essentially leaves us with two remakes and a legitimate-ish sequel without a number. WHY. Surgery is fresh territory for video games, and being able to morph it into something mechanically pleasing and fun was one of the true hallmarks of not only the first game, but of the DS. Though the new Wii game, Trauma Team, could revitalize the series, seeing Atlus crank out such a shameless cash grab like Under the Knife 2 hurts me on a level I haven’t been hurt on since the opening sentence to this article.

Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil - zero out of one

Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil - 0/1

I knew what I was getting into.

 

I find that I have the uncanny ability to draw an analogy comparing any game to a fictional girl I make up in my brain for that very purpose. What this says about me, I cannot say, though I figure it is something either very sad or something extremely sad. Regardless of my little mental irregularities, I think the Touhou games are an area where this skill comes quite in handy.

The series of games is actually pretty hard to explain to begin with. You play as shrine maidens drawn in a lolita style (both in their apparel and, ahem, chest sizes), who ride brooms or fly and shoot enemies with magic while dodging their magic “bullets” which often spread in large elaborate patterns called “spell cards”, each stage is punctuated with little dialogue scenes to let you know you are indeed still playing as a little girls that shoot magic. Additionally each game has its’ own little gimmick for getting high scores, as is par for the course in most bullet hell games.

Anyways, back to my first sentence up there, Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil is like that girl you see all the time, on the street or in the library, who you find very attractive but have never really talked to, and maybe you’ve talked to your friends about her and they’ve never heard of her but admit she does sound intriguing. Then one day you strike up a conversation about how her watch looks nice or something similarly irrelevant, and you get to know her and find she likes monster trucks and sleeps in dinosaur pajamas. Also she has a French accent which makes some things nigh indecipherable.

Haha. What?

Touhou 6 may not be easy to get along with, but all that work pays off when you get to see her fishnet panties (this is a kid-friendly site, so there will be no mention of her hairy vagina). And now I feel weird for associating little magic girls with fishnet panties. Congratulations, now you feel weird too. But chances are, you’re pursuing this girl for the wrong reason. You’re either doing it because you like seeing panties, in which case, there are plenty of better ways to do that, or you ended up liking her personality. Well unless you are exceptionally gifted with navigating her um, conversations, (nice one Sergio), you’ll probably be hearing the same thing over and over again. Perhaps this is a problem with all girls who are… uh… well that are bullet hells.

Oh! Girls that talk a lot. See? It’s a gift. The point is, you’re likely only playing Touhou the game because you think lolis are neat. Well that’s a poor incentive to subject yourself to gameplay that is interesting, but will leave you feeling hollow when you spend three hours straight memorizing the easy mode patterns then reach the end and find you need to beat the game on normal without continuing to get anything that approaches an ending, which translates to ol’ Monster Truck weirdo having a snaggletooth. Sure the music is pretty catchy sometimes, but uh... I MEAN, her voice may be soothing, but what does it matter if she doesn't say anything worthwhile?

This is actually a piece of clip art I accidentally uploaded, but I'm leaving it in cause it sort of looks like a bullet pattern.

If you’re playing the game for the shmup aspect, which is indeed somewhat entertaining, then you should really just go play Einhander, Ikaruga, Gradius, Radiant SIlvergun, or any other of the wealth of shmups throughout the ages.

…I mean uh, go talk to those other girls that love to make out and give you a massage after a hard day’s work.

WET - zero out of one - Gilbert Lucero

Game: WET

Genre: Third-Person Shooter

Boners Triggered: 1

Number of Monkey References: A Great Many

On a whim, I decided to pick up a copy of WET at the local haberdashery (that’s French for “Game-Parlor”), for the Xbox 360. I hadn’t heard about this game in the slightest, so I had no idea what to expect. As such, I expected the world, since I figured hey, might as well expect as much as I can, so as not to insult the game. Bolstered by this expectation, I decided to pop the game in right away. As the disc tray closed, I buckled myself in, ready for an adventure. Literally, buckled myself in.

My right hand on the controller, and my left hand on the steering wheel, I backed up out of the driveway as the first cinematic began to play. Skipping past both that and the curb, I sped off just as the first real cutscene began to play. It is here we are introduced to the alluring, yet terrifying, Rubi; a mercenary-for-hire, whose personality consists of “angry” and “has guns.” She’s a woman of few words, but she makes up for a lack of vocabulary with an uncomfortably massive supply of bullets. The game consists of our anti-heroine Rubi flip-tricking around and shooting guys, for the most part. You can jump, wall-run, and slide, each action thrusting you into bullet time, for an easier time murdering countless anonymous dudes. The game gives us little time to evaluate the motives of the enemies, so whether they deserve death or really were just in the wrong place at the wrong time is a question that will weigh heavily on the minds of the player, just as those pedestrians will forever regret walking out onto the road at the moment they did.

Like this, but the deer is people.

As I thumped over the little girl with all the badges and what was no doubt her grandmother, I noticed an interesting thing about the game; while in bullet-time, there is only one reticle for two guns, but not by virtue of her shooting both guns at the same target. While you aim one gun, Rubi fires the other one, at her own discretion, usually at the nearest threat. This is great, since you only need to aim with one hand. I was having a hard time as it was, moving around with my knee; the thought of aiming with it also was out of the question. It does you a favor in that it shows you which one she’s firing at, so you can either shoot the guy faster or take out two henchmen at once. An interesting little piece of gameplay, I thought, that at the time I couldn’t fully appreciate because of the horns honking on any side of me.

The level progression is pretty standard, with the layouts consisting of alleys, much like the ones I was charging through currently, that lead to a big room where you fight hordes of guys while trying to pull levers. You use Rubi’s amazing acrobatic skills, a la Prince of Persia, to navigate and/or murder your way through these foes and hit the switches, which incrementally stop the flow of bad guys. The levels rarely deviate from this pattern. Even as the game progresses, the only change is the amount of bad guys (there’s more), and the introduction of turret-guy. The game as a whole is rather repetitive, much like the blaring of the multiple sirens coming from around the next corner.

This part of the game is sooo boring.

A welcome variance came by a level wherein you are falling through the air, miles up in the sky, shooting at henchmen who also happen to be falling with you. The dynamics are a frustrating, but the feeling of freefalling while keeping your kills-per-minute count consistent make up for that. With all of the excitement I felt here, it was as if I had steered into oncoming highway traffic! The game really picks up here, a place unfortunately closer to the end than the beginning. It is from here and on that most of what little story there is takes place, and soon after is a scene where our Rubi kills a guy in her underwear, which really made the game, I thought, up until she put her pants back on.

One thing I have neglected to mention thus far is the deal with the namesake of the game. The opening scene shows us that WET refers to being covered in blood. Given the body count of this game (which is rivaled only by the number of felonies I was, and in fact still am, committing), this certainly makes sense, but the phrase more correctly applies to specific sections of the game where Rubi goes into “Rage” mode. The game gets heavily filtered, edges are blurred, and everyone looks like pudding. The bad guys die faster in this setting, there’s more of them to kill, and every corpse fades into the distance, like the screaming populace now far behind me. These sections have very little meaning, since you would be killing exactly the same way without them, and no reason is given for why it happens.

Mmmm.... Pudding.

Underneath the whole experience is a rudimentary leveling system and periodic introductions to a new weapon every so often, with interchangeable “training” levels for each one. You also have a sword, but that’s not too important. It’s understandable to want to place these components in the game; it wants to keep your attention. But everything about them felt unnecessary and insignificant. These sections should have been worked on more, or taken out completely. Oh also I drove through a mall, or whatever.

Surrounding the mediocrity of the WET experience, however, is a border of wonder, a soundtrack of amazitude. The music is well done and sets the mood wonderfully for any given part of the game. It is the soundtrack itself, rather than any of the plot elements, that sets the pace, telling you when you should be happy, or angry, or running stop lights, or driving through police barriers, or shooting a guy, or even shooting two guys.

Pictured: Music

WET in an interesting experience, to say the least. Combining acrobatics with third person shooting, and splicing in some interesting game mechanics, is good in theory, and good in practice, for a while. There are some awkward hiccups in the flow, which is understandable, but frustrating. Mix this with the one level this game really seems to have, and you are left with a deflated soufflé, saved only by the creamy chocolate soundtrack you pour on top of it. That’s what you put on soufflés, right? Chocolate? I thought about this, wondering what else you could put on soufflés, as the arresting officer pushed me up against his car. As for the game, there are some good aspects, but the picture is not complete enough to buy.

I give this game 0 “I didn’t mean to, officer, I swear”s out of 1.